billymilja

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Today ten years ago I thought I would never ever make it out of bed in the morning, that I would never get over this, over you and over this void you left behind.
I can’t say it’s been an easy ride, on the contrary it definetly was one of the hardest times I’ve ever had to cope with in my whole life. There was your birthday coming up every year and my first trip back to our secret place, there were a million memories that made everything collapse like a house of cards in any random second. Your love was magical and protected me for so many years. I can’t believe it’s been a decade without you cracking up about some random scene in family guy, without going out with you and meeting all of your crazy friends in your crazy world. Somewhere along the way I realised that I had to let you go in order to keep my life together and in order to keep myself safe. It hurt so much in the beginning, just like the day after the worst day of my life. But after a while I felt this big relief, as if I took the first deep breath after what felt like a lifetime of grief.
Maybe that’s how forgiving feels like, I don’t know. It would be a lie if I said I never was sad after letting you go, but it was a different kind of sadness, that’s for sure. You were my best adventure, you made all the champagne bubbles pop, you always managed to make my day even if you had the worst day ever.
It’s such a shame that I never had the chance to get to know you as an adult dealing with adult problems, it’s such a shame you never had the chance to see me growing up, to see me dealing with my life, that you weren’t there the first time I threw up in a cab after a night out, that I could never tell you about my first crush and my first heartbreak, that the only thing I always tell other people about you is that you were magic, although you were, but that you can’t prove them how much of magic you really were, you know?
you really changed my life, I hope you know that. It’s not just the good times I’m thankful for, but also the scars that the pain of losing you left behind, cause it probably taught me the most important lesson in life.
It took me a while to understand that this kind of pain would never leave me again, that it would always stay with me, but that it would be okay because it was a mark of you.
So basically the only things that stay are stories and love, lots of love. I don’t know if I can keep up with the stories because they start fading away more and more the longer you’re gone. But I can – and that’s guaranteed – keep up with my love for you and my love for the amazing times we spent together. And I guess that’s enough, it has to be enough.
I hope you had the best time ever down here, cause man, I had it with you.
I’ll save you a seat at our secret spot till we meet again.
See you around, big guy, we had a crazy ride of a life, you and me.

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26/02/2018

©️Sibyl Kurz